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image by Michelle Rose Photo
I’m excited to share that I’m a featured editor on SwearBy.com. It’s a new platform where people share the things they love. Check out the story on SwearBy!
My first contributing post is on the top items to keep sane as a new mom. These are the things I use and love. Baby P is quite a mover and a shaker and at times I felt like I was losing it. A few encouraging words and items helped me immensely. I hope that they help you too!
Photography by Michelle Rose Photo
Congrats! You’re pregnant or planning to be in the future!
You may have already chosen your care provider and your place of birth. Will you give birth at a hospital? Birth center? Home? Most births in the U.S take place in a hospital setting. We typically have a clear image of what a hospital birth looks like based on media depictions. (But SURPRISE! It is almost never like you’ve ever seen depicted in movies! hint: it’s far less dramatic). Many feel most comfortable giving birth in a hospital with access to pain management drugs, an OR down the hall and a team of medical professionals on standby should anything go awry. If a hospital birth feels best for you, take a tour of your area hospital(s) and see if it is the right place for you. Different hospitals may have different policies, procedures and amenities available.
Some areas have birth centers as an option. These can may attached to a hospital or free standing. They offer a more home like environment but with access to more medical care if the need arises. In NYC, our birth center choices have become more limited as of late. There is the freestanding Brooklyn Birth Center. Mount Sinai West has a birth center, with 3 rooms, that is scheduled to close December 31, 2018. NY Presbyterian Downtown technically has a birth center, with 1 room but it is free unavailable due to overflow from labor and delivery or postpartum. Birth centers may offer options like birth tubs to labor or give birth in (in NYC, delivery in a tub at a birth center is not allowed), nitrous oxide for pain management, birth position choices beyond being on your back, and fewer interventions. Most often, the room you give birth is on the room you will recover in with your baby (and partner, if applicable). The beds tend to be larger and not the typical narrow hospital bed. Some people chose a birth center when a hospital feels too medical but a home birth does not feel medical enough.
More and more people are choosing to give birth in the comfort of their home with a midwife. For those who give birth at home there is often more freedom of movement, no or limited access to pain management drugs, the ability to eat and drink while laboring and fewer interventions. If you give birth at home you may have as many or as few people attend your birth as you wish. Some people want to give birth surrounded by their closest family and friends while others prefer just their birth attendant and midwife. This differs from a hospital where you are often allowed 2 support people and may have a revolving door of medical professionals and hospital staff in an dout or your room.
In addition to the location you plan to deliver you have a choice of who will care for your and your growing baby throughout your pregnancy and birth. You may chose to give birth, like many other pregnant people, with an Obstetrician. You also have the choice of a Midwife. Depending on your state and licensing requirements they may be a Certified Nurse Midwife or a Certified Practicing Midwife. Both are educated and qualified (a very common misconception) but have gone about their certification in different way, as state mandated.
So what are the primary differences between obstetric care and midwifery care? Again, depending on your state, OBs tend to deliver babies strictly in a hospital setting. Midwives may practice in hospitals, birth centers or home births. Some work in various settings while others only work in one. Many midwifery practices offer a more holistic approach to pregnancy and birth. From my personal experience, each prenatal visit with my midwives was 1 hour long (rather than the usual 5-15 minutes for most OB visits). We spent time discussing pregnancy, parenting, life, wellness, and options. Every prenatal test was optional as well as a discussion to the pros and cons but ultimately my decision to do it or not. We truly got to know one another and get comfortable with each other. Birth is an incredibly intimate experience and you want to feel completely at ease and safe with your care provider.
No matter your choice of type of care provider there are a few questions you may wish to ask as you interview potential providers.
Do you take my insurance? Birth can be expensive! $10,000-50,000+ in NYC!
Are you available at my due time?
What hospital/ birth center do you deliver at?
How many providers are in the practice? Will I get to meet them all?
What is your policy/ recommendation on induction? Do you practice routine induction at a certain point?
What is your cesarean rate?
What percentage of your practice is high risk? (This may influence their cesarean rate. Not all care providers work with a high risk population and this will inherently decrease their cesarean rate)
What percentage of your patients receive an epidural? Are you comfortable if I chose an unmedicated birth? (This is entirely up to you!)
Do you perform routine episiotomies? In what situation would you recommend an episiotomy? (Episiotomies are no longer recommended as a routine intervention. This is often a procedure that makes expecting clients of mine very nervous so ask ahead of time!)
May I chose a position that feels best to me at the time to give birth to my baby? (Research shows that upright positions create a more open pelvis, making it easier to birth your baby. The traditional lithotomy position is not the only way you can birth your baby)
How much time do you typically spend with your patients at prenatal visits?
Are any tests and procedures optional?
Are you ok if I hire a doula? (Some providers are very supportive, while others are not. You may wish to ask why or why not)
If you have any health concerns you may wish to speak to your potential provider to see if they have experience working with pregnant people with this health concern and how it is typically handled in their practice.
Over all, the biggest thing you need to decide is where and with whom do you feel safest and most comfortable? No one else gets to decide this for you. Do some research, meet people, ask people who have given birth with that care provider or in that location what their experience was like and then go with your gut. Cause you’ve got this mama!!
Support is the number one factor to a successful breastfeeding relationship. Having those closest to you supporting your decision to breastfeed, for as long as you choose, can help you keep going when things are challenging (and it is very likely to have at least one challenging moment).
If you attend a breastfeeding class during pregnancy, I encourage your partner to join you. You can both learn the basics, positions and latch techniques. In those sleep deprived middle of the night feedings, your partner can help remind you of the tips you both learned in class. Even for me, as a certified lactation counselor, I had a difficult time getting an ideal and non painful latch at first. I tried to assess myself but could honestly only remember 2 things at a time. I was able to speak to other lactation professionals who reminded me of one or at most two gentle tweaks I could make to improve the latch and hold. Once I got one tip mastered then i could move onto the next. It took some time and a few days of adjusting before we found our groove. Having another set of eyes, and a less foggy brain, can help support you in the early days.
HYDRATION! Have your partner, any family or guests refill your water glass. You should always have a glass of water within arms reach of your nursing area. Even better is a refillable (medium to large) water bottle with a straw. You’ll be able to grab it one handed and sip from the straw as you nurse. Breastfeeding triggers a thirst response right around when the let down happens. Aim to drink a glass of water every time you nurse.
Also ‘nursing area’ tip is to have everything you need ready before you sit down to nurse. I like to set up nursing stations in the primary areas that you will be spending time with the baby. That may be in the baby’s room, the living room, and your room. Items you’ll want on hand are your full water bottle, nursing pillow(s) if you’re using one, burp cloth, snacks, phone charger and phone and anything else you use while nursing (breast shield, lip balm, and breast pump are just a few suggestions).
One moment that makes almost every new mother anxious is nursing outside of the home for the first time. Bring a friend or your parter to a casual, quiet place for the first times out of the home can be helpful. You may wish to bring an extra swaddle or a nursing cover if that makes you feel more comfortable. If that’s not your thing, certainly don’t feel obligated to cover up! I never have and 6 months into our nursing journey have yet to encounter any nasty looks or comments.
Positive words of encouragement go a long way as well. Keep positive when things are challenging. Be her biggest cheerleader without being pushy. Some days are better than others. Some days involve more tears than others. Some days seem to last forever. But they are only some days. It gets better. It gets easier. YOU CAN DO THIS!
I hope these few little tips help you and your support team (partner, family, friends) on your breastfeeding journey with your new little one!
Photographer: Keary Dee of Grace and Salt
So many people told me not to buy maternity clothes or if I did to definitely not spend much money. I listened for a little bit but by 14 weeks none of my jeans were fitting comfortably any more. Even that silly little hair band around the button trick just wouldn’t cut it.
I bought some inexpensive maternity jeans from a big online retailer and hated them. I wasn’t sure if I was an under or over the bump type of person and bought a pair of each. Nothing felt quite right. (Turns out I just never liked the over the bump style which shouldn’t have surprised me as I’m just not a fan of tight things on my belly even not pregnant).
And then I met Hatch and all of my pregnancy dreams came true. They had boyfriend jeans and white tee shirts. Basically my go to uniform but in the pregnancy version. By week 15 I was just feeling fat and a bit sluggish. Hardly anything fit anymore and I was living in my yoga leggings (thankfully I was teaching prenatal yoga and fitness so this was totally acceptable!).
So I splurged. I bought the expensive jeans and expensive white tee shirt. And I felt so much better. I had something that felt like me. Not the pregnant version of me. Just me. Then I bought the faux leather legging and silk camisole- my go to date night outfit- again in the bump friendly edition. I even felt sexy!
I may have spiraled from there but I wouldn’t have changed it if I did it again. Pregnancy may have lasted 40 weeks (well 39 in my case), but I wore my maternity clothes for at least 4 months postpartum too. That’s the thing no one really talks about. It takes TIME, lots of it, for your body to start shifting to put all of the parts back into place. 9 months in, 9 months out is a good reminder to give yourself time to slowly shift your body into a place that feels right to you. (I personally hate the term “bounce back” because you and your body are different! There is no back. It’s only forward!)
Teat and Cosset Carlotta Dress
Image by Michelle Rose Photo
A power tip is to find and invest in bump AND nursing friendly clothing (if you’re planning to breastfeed). Some of the pretty tops and dresses I bought were not nursing friendly and sadly they are shoved in the back of my closet until my next pregnancy. I wander around shops wondering “Could I get a boob out of that?” and sadly beyond button downs and wrap dresses, the answer is usually no. I did discover Loyal Hana and Teat and Cosset that are both bump and nursing friendly! Both brands have cute styles that don’t scream “I’m breastfeeding!!” with hidden zippers. I’m in love with the cashmere sweaters from Teat and Cosset (I had been searching for quality cashmere to last me through the winter and a stylist friend posted a picture of this sweater. I was instantly sold)
For a more budget friendly option, Target has some great picks from Isabel Maternity. I actually shot a lot for Target at the end of my third trimester and found a lot of cute items! They are inexpensive and many will last beyond the bump. I heard from friends, stylists and others that they loved Asos (however I personally never found anything that I liked).
So buy that cute dress or jeans or whatever makes you feel like you again. Pregnancy is only for a short period of time but how you feel during that time sticks with you for a lifetime.
Photo by Sharon Schuster for Mother Muse Magazine.
Breastfeeding is the number one concern many of my doula clients have as they prepare for their birth. Many people are worried that they won’t be able to breastfeed. Many have heard horror stories or were given advice to prepare to breastfeed. I personally was told to scrub my nipples with a rough washcloth to “toughen” them up. Please don’t do this! You don’t need to damage yourself or stress ahead of time about breastfeeding. Less than 5% of people are truly unable to breastfeed due to various medical reasons so the odds are in your favor. Here are some tips to help you as you prepare or continue on your breastfeeding journey.
Tip #1: My biggest suggestion is to have the number to at least two different lactation specialists prior to giving birth. When you’re in the newborn haze is not the time to research this or try and get yourself and your new baby out of the house to make it to your local breastfeeding support group. Ask your care provider, pediatrician, doula, friends, yoga teacher, etc for recommendations. You may be surprised by how many people you know who have sought professional help for breastfeeding. While you’re at it, you may wish to also find your nearest support group for when you’re feeling ready to get out of the house with your new little one. These groups may help ease any anxiety you have about nursing since many will have a scale that allows you to weigh your baby pre feed and then again after a feed so you have an idea of how much milk they are taking in. Breastfeeding is this huge leap of faith since you can’t measure your output that is going directly into your baby like you could with a bottle For some parents, the scale is reassuring that baby is taking in enough milk. You may also make some new parent friends as well!
Tip #2: Bras and nursing pads. For some reason, with all of my knowledge and vast circle of lactating friends I was totally surprised by how much I would leak. All. Of. The. Time. For the first several days while I had colostrum only, the leaking was fine and minimal but once my mature milk came in, the flood gates opened! This isn’t the case for everyone but be prepared ahead of time in case it is true for you. I recommend having several nursing friendly sleep bras and nursing pads to prevent leaks showing through your clothing. These ones from Milkies are soft and reusable. I prefer a reusable pad for nighttime since they are a bit thicker, softer and cuts down on the refuse of parenthood. For the daytime I like a disposable pad since I sometimes need to replace them as they get full and I’m on the go. My number one go to for a sleep bra is from Kindred Bravely. I love it. It’s soft, comfortable and inexpensive. They also make really great nursing bras for the daytime as well.
Tip #3: Make the leaking work for you. While you nurse on one side, the non nursing breast will also experience a let down (release of milk). I used the Milk Saver at first and then the Haakaa to collect this milk. I was surprised by how much I was able to start storing away for my stash without actually pumping! I was even able to donate some of my excess milk that I wasn’t going to use.
Tip #4: Pumping. There are so many questions about pumping and the answers will vary person to person, depending on your needs. This is a great time to ask that lactation person who’s number you got back when you were pregnant for help formulating a plan tailored to you. Many people want to begin pumping to build their stash for returning to work. When you pump, how often and how long will vary person to person. If you have some time before returning to work you may wish to wait to start pumping and stashing. Your little one needs less milk that you probably think they do and if you’ve been using the Milk Savers or Haakaa you may have enough to get you through an unexpected need for milk for a feed or two.
Tip #5: Seek help before things get rough. If you’re experiencing pain, cracked nipples, sloped nipples, blisters, bleeding or baby is having issues with weight please seek immediate help from a professional. Google will not help you the way a trained lactation professional will. You may need guidance on latching, positioning or baby may even have a lip and/or tongue tie. Only a professional can accurately help you with some of these. And since you did your research already, they are just a phone call or email away. I always check in with my clients in the first days after baby and want to get to them before things are too intense.
Remember, you and your baby are both learning. They are adapting to life outside the womb and to use their body in a new way. You’re healing from birth and to this new life of sleeping in hour and a half increments (if you’re lucky!! For many it’s shorter than that!). Have patience and take things feed by feed, day by day. It’s a natural process that takes time and practice to get the hang of but you will get there.
*Disclosure: I was provided product by the brands mentioned in exchange for a post. I only share products that I have personally used and loved.
photo by Michelle Rose Photo
New motherhood is isolating. It’s hours and hours spent alone with a newborn. Who is quite often crying. Or nursing. Or being held. Or needing to be held. Or played with. Or bathed. Or any combination of a million tiny things. Yes, there are those moments where things are amazing and sunshine and rainbows shoot out their butt and you both can’t contain your joy as fits of giggles and a thousand iPhone photos are had.
But those other moments? Those darker ones when you feel so alone and overwhelmed are there too. In this social media culture where we share the most perfect and edit moments of life we can too easily forget that those moments are simply that. Moments. Often staged and manipulated for likes and engagement. I admit I’ve done that too.
My lowest point thus far came around when Baby P was 8weeks old. We’d been out far too long that day but I had been enjoying myself talking to other adults and being charming (or so I hope I’d come off that way!). I even wore lipstick for the occasion. By the time we got home, P had been crying hysterically for over an hour with no end in site. Another 2 hours later and I was losing it. I hadn’t eaten dinner, desperately needed a shower (postpartum sweat + spit up is a gross combination) and was feeling defeated in a way I hadn’t yet felt. I agonized over finding and sterilizing a pacifier in the hopes that this small piece of plastic would be the secret to cure what ailed him.
When my husband eventually returned home (after a text that both the baby and I would be in tears when he returned) I begged him to take the baby for 5 mins so I could shower. The desperation was real. He asked why I hadn’t come home sooner and the next time I shouldn’t do so much. Daggers shot out my teary eyes. I felt like I was failing. Failing at everything mom related. I just wanted to hand baby over and melt down the shower drain.
raw, red and real.
A long cry in the shower and I stepped out to start the cycle of bouncing, rocking, swaying and simultaneously shushing the baby to sleep alone in our dark room.
Once I finally admitted to myself that I just may have a colicky baby, it got better the next day. And even better the next day. Sometimes I wonder if it was reaching this breaking point and surrendering that cleared the way or if his colossal meltdown was a developmental shift that lead to more ease. Who knows. I’m just thankful for it.
I’m also thankful for the community of friends, doulas and mom friends who are with me- via text, Instagram and phone calls. Those check ins and “me too”s help more than you may realize. To not feel so alone and to normalize these feelings is so helpful. The question of “is this hormonal?” Or questioning if it is indeed a postpartum mood disorder can be complex and confusing. What is normal after your life has been completely turned on it’s head is hard to distinguish.
Having support and a listening ear can go a long way. Build a supportive nest of helpers before your baby arrives. Connect with other expecting people who you can text at 2am when you’re up for yet another feeding session. I’m lucky to have so many friends having babies at the same time that I had Baby P that there was no shortage of text friends when I need to vent, cry, laugh, share or just simply know I’m not alone.
You’re not alone, mama. I hear you. I see you. I’m here with you.
If you do feel like you may have a postpartum mood disorder or aren’t sure, please take the Edinburgh Scale, speak to a professional (your care provider, a therapist) and/ or seek out a support group. If you’re in NYC, The Motherhood Center and The Seleni Institute are wonderful resources. 1 out of 5 new parents experience some sort of postpartum mood disorder within the first year after giving birth. There IS help available.
I wrote this on a Thursday, in the odd hours of the morning while I rock my son back to sleep. Thursday’s were important markers of time during my pregnancy. Thursday’s were when my gestational weeks rolled one into the next. Thursday was the day my cat died unexpectedly when I was 35 weeks pregnant. Thursday was the day I was induced at 39 weeks.
My son is nearing 8 weeks old. 8 weeks it has taken me to process my birth story and realize the particulars are not what matters. The exact details don’t need to be shared or even truly remembered in detail. What matters is this:
At the end of a wonderful and easy 39 week prenatal visit with my midwife Shar, baby’s heart rate and position were checked along with my fundal height and blood pressure. All normal. Except it wasn’t this time. My blood pressure was elevated. My midwife encouraged me to go to the hospital for additional monitoring so off we went a few hours later to Metropolitan Hospital. It continued to be elevated after several hours, even with meditation and relaxing music. The on staff midwife suggested I stay to be induced but I chose to sign myself out AMA. Soon after leaving, however, both of my midwives called to urge me to return. We discussed the risks involved with elevated blood pressure and what that meant for my planned home birth (it risked me out). After lots of tears on a long call with my doula, Lindsey, I ate dinner, packed a bag and returned to the hospital.
I had planned for an unmedicated birth at home. Even in all of my transfer scenarios I had not planned ahead for this one. Being a doula I knew that inductions could take a while. I came prepared with an eye mask, music, essential oils, and items for my birth altar.
My birth altar: essential oils for both energy and calming. Crystals for birth. Pictures of my cats, one of whom passed away 4 weeks prior. Mala and beads made from her ashes.
My story is a long one, and one I don’t think is necessary to share. The short version is this. It took 3 days for my son to be born. Labor didn’t follow a typical arc. It started and stopped over and over. My doula stayed with us almost the entire time. We labored during the intense moments and chatted or rested during the quiet ones. We ate guacamole and pita chips. I was obsessed with pineapple. The hospital had wireless monitoring and wonderful midwives who support physiological birth. They allowed me to be in my space without pressure and with respect to my choices. I declined routine cervical checks and IV fluids. I moved around, walking the hallways or rocking on my birth ball.
63 hours after arriving at the hospital, my son was born. Almost 2 hours of pushing and he came out face up (direct occiput posterior) and eyes wide open. He was a tiny little guy, 6.5lbs and 20” long. He latched for his first of many feeds in the first hour, after we both had some time to adjust to our change in conditions.
I’m so grateful to every midwife and nurse who supported me in my birth experience. I was continually respected and supported in every decision I made. And I was allowed to make my own educated and informed decisions without pressure, which was vital to me. There were tears and laughs. Somewhere along the way my mantra became the very unzen “fucking hell” that I repeated as each new contraction began in earnest.
Birth looked and felt like nothing I had ever imagined for myself. I had prepared for long. I had prepared for challenging. But I had not prepared for this. I’ve learned that no matter how prepared, healthy, fit, educated you are that birth happens how it happens.
Welcome baby boy! First latch
Boobs. Ta-ta’s. Breasts. Whatever you call them, they occupy a large part of your day if you’ve chosen to breastfeed. Even with my background in birth work, I was surprised to discover a few things along the way.
My first big learning curve was the mysterious sleep nursing bra. I had no idea I would need one prior to giving birth. The thought never occurred to me that I may leak milk and would need to wear nursing pads all of the time. These pads need to be kept in place somehow and that’s where the sleep bra comes into play. You basically will be wearing a bra unless showering if you have a copious milk supply like I do. The thing is, you just won’t know this until your milk comes in and regulates a bit after the first week. So buy at least one or two sleep bras before your little one arrives. My recommendation is Kindred Bravely cotton sleep bra. It’s soft, breathable and doesn’t scratch. My skin is very sensitive and I tried several others before coming to this one.
When buying nursing bras, size up at least a cup size or two from your pregnancy size. I know- that seems gigantic! But trust me, they keep getting bigger even if you thought your pregnancy size was insane. I went from a 32D pre pregnancy to a 32E during pregnancy and then a 32F or G while nursing. Things get kind of wild in this area. Forget the number/ letter and be comfortable. I recommend a proper bra fitting if you have access to. Not only will you be more comfortable with a proper fitting bra but you may also reduce the chance of blocked ducts as you won’t be pinched in all the wrong places and impede your milk flow. Give yourself the gift of a proper fitting and comfortable bra. My recommendation is Kindred Bravely Marvella Luxe . It’s wireless but supportive and can convert to a racer back.
And while you’re bra shopping, get one that you feel pretty in too. Because let’s face it, breastfeeding around the clock does not make one feel sexy. It does make you feel like a really tired cow though. So at least you can occasionally feel like the damn goddess you are in a Cosabella lacy bra that is also functional and pretty.
If you’re going to be working out/ wearing yoga pants while running errands, get the support you need with a nursing sports bra. I wear mine from Bravado basically half of the week and I’m not honestly working out that much. But a walk to the grocery store and back while carrying a big baby certainly counts as a workout in my opinion.
Oh and if you’re a pumping mama, add two hands free pumping bras. This can fit over your nursing bra and hold your pump flanges in place so you don’t have to do so manually. There’s no need to completely undress to put this on. Or, you can buy a nursing/ pumping bra like this one from The Dairy Fairy.
So, just a recap… You’ll need 4 types of bras and I’d suggest at least 2 of each depending on how often you’re doing laundry. (Daily? I’ve been pushing it to once or twice a week) Sleep bra to hold the breast pads in place to save you from a soaking bed, a good fitting every day bra that works well under a t shirt, a sexy little one, and a sports bra. Let me know what worked for you!